Spirals and wires

Spirals and wires stem from the light
I am sun in colour
Vapours on my lips (I miss)
Vapours from my skin
Rise- up and high.
Delirium as a memory
Is a memory.
I rub liquid soap- orange
I remember the taste of that first orange of the season
I had yesterday.
I dream of a bus- yellow
Flying in space with a giraffe
Seated and a rat stuck to the window.
A butterfly the colour of sun
Fluttering over my world
A world I don’t understand anymore.
Spirals and wires down my arms
I am warm with memories for now.
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~insight07
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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Cloudy

Today, I had no sensation of my hair drying
I always let it down to dry at its own pace.
I want to control something in my life.
I have no realisation of time these days
Or places or people
Especially the people. Everyone seems to be going ahead
Going on while I sit and count to ten to be able to breathe
Breathe, yes
I reach out for my bottle for a sip of familiar water.
Even if everything will change, this might not
Unless we change the RO, of course.
Clouds float and lather with cheap blue sky
We are the same, clouds and I, just a little different in water that’s all
Yet. I find myself at rock bottom with no semblance of legs
To kick and swim. I have been sitting for far too long.
My knees feel relevant. But head does not. I want to rain over lands.
Maybe cause storms over some maps
Have a human god name given to my angst.
(My human name means god)
To be anything but this existence because I feel its futility.
My concerns may seem futile in a pandemic.
But why does it feel like only I was thrown into the wall and then down a cliff
While people send photos of flying with the clouds
I am still a rock stacked near the ground
A full stop in a world of commas
Standing in cold buildings with warm lights
Around a clockless (timeless) wall.
I don’t decorate my walls or my nails or my hair anymore
I just let it down
Like I let myself down
Over and over again.
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~insight07
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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Damaged Home

Walls with holes and cracks
Hidden behind printed synthetic paper
Roses, pink roses
Against pink walls.
Doors with broken locks
No knobs
Shut tightly only on faded trust
Unhinged from the wooden frame.
Stolen clock in a different spot
Ringing in a silence that is rare
Blank nails droop from walls, staring.
Stains twist to thoughts
Clouds in the night sky-
An elephant, a star, a shooting gun.
Plants move towards each other
Rocks smile in their soft soil-
Full of ants and exposed roots.
We are where we are
As we must be,
In our damaged home.
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~insight07
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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Colour of change

These days, my mind often goes blank. Sometimes it feels like I am delivering dialogues from a script I must have memorised a while back. How long ago? I don’t know.

Mumma says that everything will be alright. That is the restive state of how ultimately every adverse situation is meant to be. With the toughest 11 months of my life past, maybe it will get better. And if I am being honest, it has started to also. Then why do I feel this sense of impending doom?

I often dream that I am staring at the end of a huge cliff. It is always so dark. Sometimes, I even dream that I am losing the people whom I have already loved and lost. What emotion is triggering this, I ask? I don’t know.

Each morning, I wake with my heart trembling in ten different points in my body. I am scared that my sister will feel it shaking in my ribs. I share a living space with her. Sometimes it feels that we are two fishes trapped together in a fishing bowl, staring at the world outside, staring at the world within.

I love my room, and I love my people. Sometimes, I think- what is love? Today morning, the answer that came to me was surprising.

“Love is the light dancing on the surface of seas, seeping in lines and waves. Love is the sea, so full and overwhelming in itself. Love is the light, travelling miles and burning up the sky. Love is the trembling of hearts and stories- of many a you and I.”

These days, I find solace in dim lights. My eyes look so tired in the bright reflection of the new LED tube light. I wear glasses to protect myself from the world. It oddly makes me feel ready to face the changes that have slowly come, yet again, in the periphery of my life.

What is the colour of change? Today it’s white, with a rainbow in its chest.

~insight07

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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.