Release

The suffocation in my lungs releases a breath at a time
There is no strength in my spine
But I stack bricks instead.
I see the moon after nights and hours
I see faces in flesh after a lifetime
Emotions other than survival and fear fill me
Tears well up my eyes-
I see the sun from the eyes of so many trees.
Time twists itself to fit its magnanimous presence
In my small head,
I cry in remembrance
I cry in gratitude.
Hands have grown with rings on them,
My nails have grown so much too.
Life is piercing me from all sides,
I am another lost bird with a soul.
Cities brimming with clouds and stories
Surrender to the groud- rain comes crashing down.
Dreams are reflections of ocean in wells-
A yellow leaf swaying away and away
With the endless blue waves.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Unattainable

I would like to kiss a few moments
Make them a part of my skin
Have them live and breathe with me
As I go on with this life, daily
Exposing truth after truth
Of a world that doesn’t care much about my existence.

I want to sleep with these memories on my pillow
Hear their whispers sweet in my ears
But their voice is so feeble
And my eyes don’t open easily.
I am lost in a love that just doesn’t give.
How do we make the unattainable love us?

~insight07


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Lines

Each night, silence spreads like wild fire
Across my city of millions
Over the houses and lanes
Sleepy heads and still trains.
A two wheeler cuts a neat line
With its heavy pounding and noise
The rider had a helmet, and a very straight spine.
I look at it from my corner window-
A wonderment at motion that is not mine anymore.

I remember a painting in a book I had once read
Written many years before, about a family and siblings and a lonely island
A dinner with swelling silences.
Bubbles of reality envelope me as I
Think of the boat cutting a neat line across that canvas.

In folds, I hold myself together.
With its heavy pounding and noise,
I feel my pulse in my toes and fingers.
In knots, I sleep noiselessly
By a closed wall and open window.
Open to the possibility of a tomorrow.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Pigeon Person


Birds have hallow bones,
I read somewhere I remember.
Maybe I am more pigeon than human-
Just without a bobbing neck.
What I do have, is a bobbing mind,
And a beak constantly hammering down my head,
Maybe my hair is a pigeon.
Or its nest.
I am an egg, with sticky yolk held in my body-
I am two colours of black and white.
People want shades of grey,
I want shades of darkness to become a part of my too bright world-
I want to sleep a sleep, not dream a memory.
With cloth over my eyes, I try to breathe in a yellow room
But the walls close in on me,
Till they rest on my eye lids
Mocking the strength of my will to not open and stare
Stare stare
At their blank expressions.
I feel the hovering of ghosts,
Pigeon ghosts down my neck.
I am a mistake of a person.


~insight07


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Wednesday

In a safe corner, I try to sleep each night
Place my body parallel to the walls
A pillow by my side, a cushion near my feet.
With an angry dependence on tomorrow
I end today with a heavy sigh,
Every today.

A Wednesday in the end of May 2021 was spent
With a dose of vaccination for my sister
With the ending of my PCOD medication
With 7 hours of work instead of the usual 12
With a bath in the afternoon
With a cyclone that almost touched my city
And a remembrance of some hot chocolate from two years ago.

I think of ice melting at the same time
Of caves forming over nights
Of waves rippling together
And of clouds almost touching 13 cities each time.
I am at a loss of new thought, so I try to think of anything but
Work, disease, death.
Maybe today will be a good effort
And 8 hours of rest will greet
Tired limbs and eyes of mind.

I am living on muscle memory,
I don’t remember yesterday.
My thoughts don’t fit together anymore.
Will we be able to sleep again?

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Cube

I never tried putting a shape to my life
Earlier, maybe it used to be a flower, a cloud, a feather on a bird flying free
All my stories, experiences, feelings
Sunlight and fairy lights
Have been reduced to a cube of thickness 1 inch on each side.
Over the sharp edges I tumble as
A chance is played, and a move is decided.
Falling face first, I notice blood everywhere on the white ground
Marble does not absorb, but slips.
A layer above my skin, increasingly so
I am told to not take things personally.
What remains mine, then?
Not the victory, not the words, not the time
Just exhaustion.
I sleep in a blanket of tired only to wake up to
My body giving in to the demands of the city air-
There is no air.
This pandemic is global
But it feels so personal as it seeps into every crevice and pore of my life.
All my stories, experiences, feelings.
A dice on my screen, I play ludo with my sister before sleep, sometimes
To calm her and myself.
(Our cube room holds both of us together).

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Echoing

I stare and stare from the edge of the cliff
There is nothing to see
Nothing to hear
A line of sensibility we must cross
Without faith or fear.
On my toes I stand,
There is no place to hide.
A rising wave of this dark climbs
From rocks and dots to my tiny toes
A mask on my face, I plunge
Or fall, I don’t know.
Down and down I go.

There is a burst of light
Big and small
An eagle flying by my side,
Sharp and in control
Of it’s fearful flight.
My toes dip in water as I cause
A ripple effect in the sea-
I hear the cry of a whale from far away.
And suddenly I am not alone.
I choke, push my limbs to go up for air
A fish breathes in bubbles near me.
Everything is still, even my toes-
I cannot sense myself
As blue is smeared on the canvas of my life-
A colour I am trapped in.
I am a morsel to my mind
Hollow like the bones of an empty chamber
Echoing.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Yellow and white


The sun is a big blob of butter
Melting into my house and on my fingers.
Streams of pure yellow and white come and pool
Creating waves and tides of lightness.
I don’t mind floating
I don’t mind drowning.
I wake up and brush my teeth
Have a buttered toast with white milk;
My being also feels light after eating light.


~insight07


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.