Today, I had no sensation of my hair drying
I always let it down to dry at its own pace.
I want to control something in my life.
I have no realisation of time these days
Or places or people
Especially the people. Everyone seems to be going ahead
Going on while I sit and count to ten to be able to breathe
Breathe, yes
I reach out for my bottle for a sip of familiar water.
Even if everything will change, this might not
Unless we change the RO, of course.
Clouds float and lather with cheap blue sky
We are the same, clouds and I, just a little different in water that’s all
Yet. I find myself at rock bottom with no semblance of legs
To kick and swim. I have been sitting for far too long.
My knees feel relevant. But head does not. I want to rain over lands.
Maybe cause storms over some maps
Have a human god name given to my angst.
(My human name means god)
To be anything but this existence because I feel its futility.
My concerns may seem futile in a pandemic.
But why does it feel like only I was thrown into the wall and then down a cliff
While people send photos of flying with the clouds
I am still a rock stacked near the ground
A full stop in a world of commas
Standing in cold buildings with warm lights
Around a clockless (timeless) wall.
I don’t decorate my walls or my nails or my hair anymore
I just let it down
Like I let myself down
Over and over again.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Dead cells

Whimpering, the dog pulls at the grill with his mouth
He has been locked for four hours now.
People are now more careful with their doors;
Who walks in and out.
No one noticed the dog with three legs hopping in the dark-
(It is dark because the building light is not needed anymore.)
At 3 AM I hear him as my only company.
Walls separate us, twin cells for the both of us.
What is common between us, I think.
Looking at my green painted nails, I imagine his claws.
These dead cells sprouting is with us both.
Tomorrow, I need to wash my hair after dusting the dirt off the house.
I don’t feel like waking up anymore.
Never sleep, just stare at the blue screen
This unmoving creature
That you are looking at right now.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Isolation Isles

In dark oceans under changing skies

Swimming, exist Isolation Isles

Not found on maps

Or through directions of compass

These lands float on unnamed waters.

Barren- white sand that has never seen the sun

Under the glow of stars that burn.

A ragged doll sits beside a rock

Button eyes, button mouth

Matted wollen hair.

A childhood lost in the consciousness of grown years

These oceans have no meaning to the outside world-

Caged in a mind, the waves roll

In dreams- young eyes see the button holes

Of a beloved doll friend on Isolation Isle

The gone years had been so kind.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


I imagine the first time I looked
At the world, the trees, the sun
At myself, maybe in a mirror
I imagine the first time I held my own two fingers
And felt the feel of them.
When I interacted with a machine, maybe a TV
Or the first poem I read or created
Maybe in my head
Maybe in a dream.
I think of all the firsts and how half a human could deal with these life changing moments
I saw death at the age of three
I heard the first fight at the age of five
I survived many years of bullying
And maybe, the insecurities of being the youngest child.
At the age of 23, sometimes I feel it is too difficult to lift a finger
Or to circulate a thought
To blink an eye at the meteor that crashes on me
Each day each day from a brighter never dimming universe
Or maybe just machine screens.
My eyes look vacant in a mirror
I curl into myself for something, anything.
My own ten digits leave angry marks on my arms and neck
Red- a reminder I am the only being with blood in me.
I don’t feel a control over myself.
The world has dissolved away and there is no other being.
But the monster of existence, of society that looms over my head.
How much will be too much for this nut on my neck
To crack and never be one again
A whole sun again.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


Just because the day is breaking outside
Does not mean the night in me has ended.
I carry the remains of yesterday
Through the hours that saw little sleep
Little dreams.
I felt the light dim and then rise
Above, so high
A finger apart into the sky.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


The horror of talking to humans;
An eagle perched on my shoulders,
Its claws digging into my skin.
I try to relate a thought with a thought
A feeling with a feeling-
Try to gulp down the dread that grips my skin.
Dealing with my own tribe terrifies me.

Then, I start thinking
Really start thinking.
Dress in empathy, and dance with new feet.
I think of the animals who have lost their freedom to humans
Their body, a means to their survival
A mind reduced to productivity that they can’t understand,
Or maybe they can?
I think of the plants that get cut into half
Because their growth is a disturbance to cars.
Wheels keep on running, we keep on running too.

While I can hate humans and their system,
They are still me.
What of this whole world, that is not for me?


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Miss Fish Curry


Miss Fish Curry had been waiting all day-
She enjoys eating the edges of clouds that pass over the Mind Sea.
After 3.5 hours of sighing, came a big cloud flying over the water surface.

With a handkerchief tucked in her collar, Miss Fish Curry furiously started chasing her giant meal.
Her 3.5 inches body swam and swam and swam
Her tiny teeth gnawed all the way.
The shadow of the cloud flew with the currents-
Nibbled at the edges.

Miss Fish Curry celebrated a good day and a full stomach,
Existing happily in the Mind Sea,
Looking at the pink sky that lit up with thunder and electric ever so often.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


I fling stones on me

Test the strength of my bones

Watch my skin tear under

The burden of my own thoughts;

Overthinking is a disease.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.