Empty and Spaces

Places that feel strange, yet familiar
Wind in the spaces between my fingers-
Can I claim this air clutched in my palm as mine?
Buildings with some bricks missing-
Eyes and cameras with filters peep in
It’s beachy, blushy cheeks in the cold of winter.
I paint flowers on an unbalanced pot-
One with a red snail and one with the sun
White clouds float with the aim of filling empty spaces.
Unknown faces crowd my mind through a known screen;
I am blue in this ocean of information
A fish and fisher at the same time.
Patience eats my mind and time,
A thought sits with me at nine
Can I be mad enough to believe this world exists only for me?
Demons exhale doubt at my sticky neck-
Even if I don’t see the sun
Even if I never see air
I feel it on my skin-
Existence is a personal experience.
In the chaos of everyday, I hang a string of warm fairy lights
And rest in its glow for the night.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Lived experiences

There’s a long history to today, just like each day. It is your casual backdrop of the Pandemic and staying indoors for too long, when even the apparent world has moved on. There is a rush of cars and trains and tectonic planes- no one wants to miss out on this fun.

I never thought a day like this would come, but night time comforts me. The fact that half a portion of this planet is away from the sun. Each time I leave the house, I wonder how people are moving about. I can’t help but stare at the sun- it feels like an eye staring straight into me.

From the fishbowl that I live in, only a tiny portion of the purple sky is seen. There are buildings and tress that block my view. I wonder how I look like to the outsiders who keep staring- a fish? (I feel like one), or a person wearing a mask inside their own safe walls.

This pandemic is global, universal, yet so personal. It has entered every crevice of my life, my mind. The mask feels like second skin on my face. The stench of sanitiser, more comfortable than the perfume I used to wear daily a few months back.

I have tried making multiple friends, but they don’t reply back now. Maybe with the uncertainty of my shift to a new city, my plant friends are angry. I dream that I am uprooting with my claws out.

Each time I leave home, I find myself getting lost in the vibrations of light in the city life. I feel new again. Places that I have known like the back of my hand haunt me with their newness. Looks like I am not the only one unchanged.
With each step I discover a corner unknown. People have changed so much too.

To me, people mean a blue screen that I stare into for most of the waking hours. This device seems to have more life than me- buzzing with the constant flow of messages and emails, app notifications too.
All of my office sits in this blue screen. WFH has been my best friend too.

During the past 11 months, I have experienced the throttle of situations I never thought I would have faced- even beyond the Pandemic. My family decided to parallel this world wide drama with theatrics of its own (sometimes I mess up my lines).

I have no life of my own. The only solace that has been is a discovery of a nation that has always existed. Even that feels surreal now.

I am ready for the next big part of life- I am waiting for the other worldly creatures to come by me.

Sometimes I wonder- what if they are intagible, capable of entering our minds and controlling thoughts? We are in a simulation that has no good end. Just one that is coated in love.

~insight07


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Bruising heart

My heart hammers against my chest
It is bruising me with its pain
Sometimes I hate the very blood in my veins
Because it reminds me of them.
Words are healing but words are spears
That pierce even through the strongest bones.
My eyes don’t see straight anymore
I feel deformed, words don’t exit my lips anymore.
Stuck at my throat, these thorns bloom red roses
Born from my thoughts, blood drips from the ends of these petals-
A puddle of filth on the ground.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Tea, Coffee, and Calcutta

I stare at the coffee coloured wall that sits opposite me.
I have had coffee only once in the past 7-8 months?


I remember this time when I was alone in a coffee shop
Biding time till it was time for college.
In between classes, I liked my own company.
In my favourite part of the town I watched the cars hustle
People run over each other
And people step out of their office for their tea and smoke.
I tried smoking in that very air for the first time.
I even smoked something else for the first time not more than 20 steps away.
Sitting alone in that coffee shop with music blaring in my ears,
I used to imagine of a life beyond the four walls-
Of education, liberation, creativity
Maturity, independence, life
So to speak.
But I did enjoy life back then too.


3 years later-
A taste of all the above is bitter sweet on my tongue.
Having been in my favourite city since 7-8 months?
I miss exploring it on my own.
Leaving these 4 walls is so necessary, even now
But my home in the city pulls me into its knowing loving arms.


I don’t want richness or the title of Senior xyz
Some 10-15 years down the line,
I want to come back to my city
And open a space that will speak
Of education, liberation, creativity
Oh, and some tea along with coffee.

~insight07

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

8/11/2020

Hello Bloggers!

How have you all been? I hope life has been pleasant to you and the cool weather is suiting your sensibilities.

I for one like all seasons, summer the most because mangoes are then available in my country. And I love mangoes. Right now, I am loving the changing colours of the trees.

A couple of years back, I had this realisation when I was maintaining a small plant which I lovingly called Plantee.

“Even tiny plants experience autumn.”

This had stuck me with me all through that year. And sometimes it still comes back to me. Today, at the odd hour of 5:30 AM, I caught some of my mum’s plants experiencing autumn.

Life has an odd way of moving. As soon as I get comfortable somewhere, it is time to move on. After 8 months of being at home and innumerable adjustments at my end, I was finally getting used to this routine. But as luck may have it, my office will resume work from its premises soon. That will entail me making a shift to Mumbai.

While in a way the idea is exciting, it is not so in the middle of a pandemic even though most people seem to have forgotten about it. This following week is going to be full of some difficult conversations. Wish me luck!

Coming week, I even have a long weekend to look forward to! We will be celebrating Diwali this weekend in India. I like this festival, with all its diyas and light.

It feels surreal, that we are close to wrapping this year. It’s been such a long and excruciating one. I hope we never experience something like this ever again, at least in this lifetime.

But all is not bad I guess. Biden’s win gives some hope to people across the world. Maybe this year will redeem itself in the almost two months left?

I would love to hear your thoughts on the above things! Please let me know in the comments below 🙂

I am even on the lookout for some good K-drama, recommendations are more than welcome!

Hear from you soon.

~Devika

11/10/2020

Hello Bloggers! How have you been?

I hope the season of Autumn and receding rain has been good to you. Did you get to catch any unexpected colour in the sky? I saw an orange sky at 5:30 AM.

I have yet again, been irregular when it comes to blogging. Let’s just say a block is a sad sad reality? While I could have reshared some of my old content, I just didn’t feel like it.

These days, I have become a person I never thought I would have. I have always strived for a career that was parts business and creativity. But as luck would have it, I landed myself a pure sales role. It is a good learning and a good experience, but it is not exactly what I had in mind.

Anyway, drawing back to my first point, I am increasingly finding it hard to let the creativity flow, after fulfilling all the other duties that a so called adult life has asked of me. I am still hopeful that this a phase.

Maybe it is staying at home that has drained me of inspiration. I remember a couple of months back when I had stepped out of the house for the first time in 5 months, I had been full of observations and words. Now, not so much. : P

Most of my waking time is spent working (roughly 60+ hours in a week). Another major chunk goes in sleep. The rest of the time I am glued to my phone, consuming content. I don’t even feel like talking much to my friends anymore. The thought that some of them have gone for vacations and casually met their friends, fills me with anxiety.

Sometimes when I have surfed social media enough and spoken enough with a few friends, I feel like the Pandemic has only reached me, my mind so intensely. It feels unfair when I see my sister grappled with anxiety and myself working crazy hours because of the entire work from home culture.

But then, they are just a few people. This world is bigger and more dense. 🙂 So I get a better hope for the future.

In my new discoveries, I have started cooking every Saturday! It’s been two weeks so far, and I am enjoying the experience. Even though the heat can get a little crazy.

I have found my love in Yoo Ah In. A brilliant actor and performer, he truly re-establishes my faith in good talent. I remember thinking that I am thankful to be alive because I could witness someone like him. Maybe I have a tiny crush? 😛

Korean movies are amazing! Unlike the Dramas that focus more on romance, these movies cover a range of genres that aligns well with my taste- thriller, suspense, psychology. Have you seen any good films recently?

I would love to hear from you about all the things happening at your end! Feel free to drop comments below. 🙂

Hear from you soon.

~Devika

13/09/2020

Hello Bloggers,

How have you been? I hope life isn’t too stressful for you all.

These past few weeks have been rather busy. But I see life settling into a routine that will be around till a vaccine arrives or I am called to Mumbai to start work from office, whichever comes first.

It’s been four months since I started my career with work from home. While it’s been a magnanimous task, getting to know everyone, their working styles, and the work at the same time. But I am glad the most tough part is over.

After developing a bout of fever, we (my sister and I) got tests done. Only to realise that we have not developed antibodies even though a household member had Covid a couple of months back. Now we have entered a mindspace of whatever happens, happens. All that we can do is take precautions (which we are).

Each day when I come across news headlines, I feel like some energy is sucked out of me. Do you ever feel like the world is f**king with us from all sides? Economical, political, familial, environmental disasters. But it is disasters that we have given birth to, I mean it is our civilization. 😛

A month back, my nephew was born. I left home after 5 months to travel. It was a surreal feeling. I remember thinking that if humans can create huge buildings and flyovers from scratch, they can conquer anything. It was an odd feeling, coming face to face with our creations.

In other news, learning Korean has been going good! It’s a little slow, but I am getting into sentence construction and know more words. Although I do see a long path ahead. Are you learning any new languages?

These days, I often find myself thinking of a guy I had liked a few years back. While we were good friends, I haven’t been in touch with him since 10 months. I hope he is well. 🙂

That’s it about me. No great updates, just a catch up I would say. I would love to hear more from you, feel free to drop comments below!

Also, I am open to Kdrama suggestions 🙂

Hear from you soon.

~Devika