It is so easy to get lost
In a crowd of known, unknown faces
Strange touches on my skin
Eyes on me, inside out
New places, old feelings
Of detachment, darkness, lingering sunshine
Bright blue sky that hovers right above us
Everywhere, everywhere
Brown eyes, brown hair, fair skin
A little madness, a little anxiousness
I get from this side of my family
Stories, people and warmth
A little spice, a little bitterness
Same old faces, same old complains
Of 20-25-50 years
I wonder, ten thousand miles away
A couple of centuries later
Who will remember us?
Who will remember these moments of right now?
Who will remember these stories, these people
These crinkles in the eyes and bright smiles
Sour words and ugly truths
That have made me, me.
Who will remember me?
There are no answers
Just a growing understanding
Of what it feels, to be human
To live in a time where time is everywhere
Yet with no one, no one at all.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


Beating heart

I put a hand into my chest

Through my ribcage and veins

Catch hold of my beating heart

And pull it out in the gentlest way.

Place it infront of my eyes

And see, see it

For the very first time.
Dadum, dadum it sounds

Like a bird, scared to move around

Sitting inside me since I was formed

Alien it feels, not one of my own.

I’ve heard its voice

I’ve felt with it too

All my life, all my life.
Why do you beat with such persistence?

I ask, to the muscle that is me, so me.

It never responds, always mute

Dadum, dadum it sounds

I place it back where it belongs

Deep inside my chest.

Complete, incomplete, complete.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.



This thirst in me
For your touch
You kiss me
My cheeks, my eyes
I put my fingers in your hair
Ever so slowly, direct you to my lips
And we kiss, for the very first time
Soft lips meet, your top to my bottom
My top to your bottom
Again, again
Tongues seek each other
Teeth clash as I taste
You, passion, me
Briefly I open my eyes
To see you staring into me
In a way no one has
Closing them again,
I pull you closer still
Until I am on your lap
My thighs around your lean hips
Your hands on my backside
We start moving to a rhythm
Our rhythm
Kisses are not smooth anymore
But a bit sloppy, messy
And I’m loving it
Every minute
Every second
Of this dream.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

Do you?


Do you know, how painful it is
To be cut a thousand times
And sewn together a thousand times
Only to be cut again
By the same knife?
Do you know what it feels
To not bleed from scars
But to kiss them
Alone, in the dark?
Do you know how difficult it is
To not blame everything on myself
And hate myself so much
So much, I think I almost deserve the pain?
Do you know the taste of defeat
That comes from losing to
Your mind and dreams,
The horrors that stay within?
Do you know about those voices
That won’t stop whispering
Your deepest fears to you
In broad daylight and dusk?
Do you know what it is like
To live in my mind
With all this love and memories;
Caged, screaming, begging to be free?
Do you feel this void
Breathing in your chest
Expanding to your limbs and hair tips and toes
Fingers, words, poems and woes?


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.




Why is there a beating heart
In my caging broken chest?
Why do I feel so much
So much that it aches?
I pin my hopeless expectations
To a sinking reality;
One I chase in my fantasies.
Because, no matter how strong I am,
For the first time in my life
I just wanted to be held with love
And acceptance in arms
That’ll never be mine.

Inspired by a friend’s plight.

Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.



You cut me open
Ever so gently
Look at my spine and bones
Tiny, breakable, feeble.
Turning me, you pull me close
My naked frame next to yours
Kiss and lick my sewn skin
So wet, so soft.
Across my stomach and into me
You seek your pleasure, and mine.
Spread my thighs, spread my pink
Unknown fingers probing.
You look and look and look
Till the end of time
And then, you place your mouth
On my open pink
Teeth, tongue, licks and sucks
Fingers thick entering
Again, again, again.
Wet and hungry, you eat me
I quiver, tremble, beg
I feel and feel and feel
Don’t stop, never do
I scream, breathless, voiceless
You growl, lifting me to your mouth
Suck, suck, lick
Bite, kiss, kiss
My fingers find leverage
I pull your hair, so soft.
Your tongue in me
Your fingers in me
I burst a million times
Again and again and again.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


Burning beneath the cells of my skin

Is an anger, all consuming, destructive. 

Slow, the flames eat me;

Thoughts, feelings, words.

Sealed, my lips and eyes

Look, unlook at this world

Far and wide.

Blue, blue, so much blue

Lingering in that absolute dark

Quivering in that corner 

Away from tongues that bark.

Fingers trace an unknown body

My own flesh and bones.

What is mine, what is mine?

This next breath, my anxiety, my memories 

The love I cage in my chest 

My nails or hair or maybe sweat

If nothing, my mistakes and regrets.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.


How can I unlearn the truth? 

Trembles all over my bones and flesh

A sinking feeling in my chest

A void that cages me like my ribs

Breathing inside of my hollow breast. 

How can I stand still when I’m falling apart? 

A thousand pieces of me

Hopes, expectations, dreams

Shattered on this cold ground;

Skin tearing at the seams.

How can I smile when I feel dead inside?

Pulse rapid on my wrist and neck

Blood thick clogging my veins

Thoughts crowding an empty mind

Fingers searching for someone to blame.

How can I believe, when I’m dreading the past?

Daunting, unmoving, monstrous 

A shadow clung on to the dark

Fickle, feeble, small

Am I even a part? 


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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved

Dear diary

Dear diary,

I’m scared, of each second, each day. I’m in fear of new faces and old, the feelings they arouse in me. I feel like an intruder in my skin. The breaths I take should be silent, my movements, unnoticeable. No trace of me should be there, not in being, not in memories. I find myself distributing pieces of me to make myself believe, I too exist.

Someday I fear, I’ll vanish from this space and no one will remember me. For I am that way, forgettable, ignorable. I feel I should stick to the wall and become a part of it or maybe if I’m silent enough, people will forget all about me. 

Yet it never happens.

I’ve known bad all my life. I wish all were equally bad, so that I could blame them for being the way I am.

But it is all me, only me to blame. I carry the brunt of it everyday.


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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved

Cigarette, love and sex

Throaty voices singing words and feelings 

Alien to my barren cold soul.

Midnight time running, running

Exhausting on sleep of double billion people 

And animals less saner, wilder.

A lighter burns blue on fluid

Reminding me of warmth of a fire

That burned three winters ago.

What happens to feelings?

How can they take steps away from

People and places and memories 

Into a cold far away space.

Cigarettes exhale smoke,

Ashes on skin kissed and bruised.

Guitars strumming down the street

As windows open and breathe.

Sex in the air, void in eyes

That look, pale and light

Away from walls of fate and faith

Into the dark ceiling, hoping it would share its secrets 

With those bored beings

Of life and existence.


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Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.