Sometimes I like to believe that each word has a story
And each story has a life. I think of the life running in books Books that I once patiently sat through I remember being patient while I was sick with a fever that just wouldn’t leave 24 days, when I was 13 13 was a weird age, I had started with yoga Now I vehemently dislike yoga Tick tick tock, my mother says youth will pass me by I should take better care of my health. I remember a time when my words were my only identity My blog crossed 1500+ followers A website without my name. Tick tick tock, the clock runs on I remember when I learned the word vehement, And so, I use it again-
I vehemently hate the word, Viral.
• ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
Today, I had no sensation of my hair drying
I always let it down to dry at its own pace. I want to control something in my life. I have no realisation of time these days Or places or people Especially the people. Everyone seems to be going ahead Going on while I sit and count to ten to be able to breathe Breathe, yes I reach out for my bottle for a sip of familiar water. Even if everything will change, this might not Unless we change the RO, of course. Clouds float and lather with cheap blue sky We are the same, clouds and I, just a little different in water that’s all Yet. I find myself at rock bottom with no semblance of legs To kick and swim. I have been sitting for far too long. My knees feel relevant. But head does not. I want to rain over lands. Maybe cause storms over some maps Have a human god name given to my angst. (My human name means god) To be anything but this existence because I feel its futility. My concerns may seem futile in a pandemic. But why does it feel like only I was thrown into the wall and then down a cliff While people send photos of flying with the clouds I am still a rock stacked near the ground A full stop in a world of commas Standing in cold buildings with warm lights Around a clockless (timeless) wall. I don’t decorate my walls or my nails or my hair anymore I just let it down Like I let myself down Over and over again. • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
• Whimpering, the dog pulls at the grill with his mouth He has been locked for four hours now. People are now more careful with their doors; Who walks in and out. No one noticed the dog with three legs hopping in the dark- (It is dark because the building light is not needed anymore.) At 3 AM I hear him as my only company. Walls separate us, twin cells for the both of us. What is common between us, I think. Looking at my green painted nails, I imagine his claws. These dead cells sprouting is with us both. Tomorrow, I need to wash my hair after dusting the dirt off the house. I don’t feel like waking up anymore. Never sleep, just stare at the blue screen This unmoving creature That you are looking at right now. • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
I imagine the first time I looked
At the world, the trees, the sun At myself, maybe in a mirror I imagine the first time I held my own two fingers And felt the feel of them. When I interacted with a machine, maybe a TV Or the first poem I read or created Maybe in my head Maybe in a dream. I think of all the firsts and how half a human could deal with these life changing moments I saw death at the age of three I heard the first fight at the age of five I survived many years of bullying And maybe, the insecurities of being the youngest child. At the age of 23, sometimes I feel it is too difficult to lift a finger Or to circulate a thought To blink an eye at the meteor that crashes on me Each day each day from a brighter never dimming universe Or maybe just machine screens. My eyes look vacant in a mirror I curl into myself for something, anything. My own ten digits leave angry marks on my arms and neck Red- a reminder I am the only being with blood in me. I don’t feel a control over myself. The world has dissolved away and there is no other being. But the monster of existence, of society that looms over my head. How much will be too much for this nut on my neck To crack and never be one again A whole sun again. • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
The horror of talking to humans;
An eagle perched on my shoulders, Its claws digging into my skin. I try to relate a thought with a thought A feeling with a feeling- Try to gulp down the dread that grips my skin. Dealing with my own tribe terrifies me. • Then, I start thinking Really start thinking. Dress in empathy, and dance with new feet. I think of the animals who have lost their freedom to humans Their body, a means to their survival A mind reduced to productivity that they can’t understand, Or maybe they can? I think of the plants that get cut into half Because their growth is a disturbance to cars. Wheels keep on running, we keep on running too. • While I can hate humans and their system, They are still me. What of this whole world, that is not for me? • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
Miss Fish Curry had been waiting all day- She enjoys eating the edges of clouds that pass over the Mind Sea. After 3.5 hours of sighing, came a big cloud flying over the water surface. • With a handkerchief tucked in her collar, Miss Fish Curry furiously started chasing her giant meal. Her 3.5 inches body swam and swam and swam Her tiny teeth gnawed all the way. The shadow of the cloud flew with the currents- Nibbled at the edges. • Miss Fish Curry celebrated a good day and a full stomach, Existing happily in the Mind Sea, Looking at the pink sky that lit up with thunder and electric ever so often. • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
The world is moving far ahead
It is spinning twice as much in a day Or maybe it is in my head Maybe It is my head. Long breaths, short breaths Time spills in an empty vase. A whirlpool of walls, a ringing of the doorbell I should get up and open Open my head to the possibility of more. A footstep after the other after the other A stranger at my place with the same spinning eyes We can’t make contact at all. A strange dance, whirling we try to connect. But to no avail. A day after day this goes on. Blood has left my bones. Infinities circle us as we circle zeroes. After my last sense leaves, and I am panting I realise The world watched the show as I circled on my own two feet Like a pinwheel caught in the tide of wind Unbearable A blur A blurred image with bony fingers. • ~insight07 • Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.
Crushed yawns and a yellow sun
Dip low into my glass of water.
I take sips and gulps from a cold glass;
A wall of familiar faces over the rim.
I dip a little more into the cushions
That have butterflies and flowers on them.
I feel some warmth in some eyes
Some hugs that will always be warm.
Tiny suns burn in this dark room
In the words that flow, it’s a light that flows.
It is enough for this cold evening
Maybe enough for a lifetime.
Hush, let us sleep now
And dream of evenings past
People of the past.
Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.