Colour of change

These days, my mind often goes blank. Sometimes it feels like I am delivering dialogues from a script I must have memorised a while back. How long ago? I don’t know.

Mumma says that everything will be alright. That is the restive state of how ultimately every adverse situation is meant to be. With the toughest 11 months of my life past, maybe it will get better. And if I am being honest, it has started to also. Then why do I feel this sense of impending doom?

I often dream that I am staring at the end of a huge cliff. It is always so dark. Sometimes, I even dream that I am losing the people whom I have already loved and lost. What emotion is triggering this, I ask? I don’t know.

Each morning, I wake with my heart trembling in ten different points in my body. I am scared that my sister will feel it shaking in my ribs. I share a living space with her. Sometimes it feels that we are two fishes trapped together in a fishing bowl, staring at the world outside, staring at the world within.

I love my room, and I love my people. Sometimes, I think- what is love? Today morning, the answer that came to me was surprising.

“Love is the light dancing on the surface of seas, seeping in lines and waves. Love is the sea, so full and overwhelming in itself. Love is the light, travelling miles and burning up the sky. Love is the trembling of hearts and stories- of many a you and I.”

These days, I find solace in dim lights. My eyes look so tired in the bright reflection of the new LED tube light. I wear glasses to protect myself from the world. It oddly makes me feel ready to face the changes that have slowly come, yet again, in the periphery of my life.

What is the colour of change? Today it’s white, with a rainbow in its chest.


Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.

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