When the only thing I’ve felt deeply
Is a crippling loneliness that settles within my being.
In the empty hours, I curse my existence.
Feel the life in my white bones and red blood,
Skin that changes colour in sunlight and dark.
Closing walls and ticking clocks, a world that is spinning out of control.
Dreams where strangers make me feel
Pleasure, ecstasy, anxiety, pain.
How can I do this to myself?
Hours don’t guide me anymore, arms of the clock rushing into each other’s embrace.
Each night when I get up gasping, I clutch onto pillows
Lifeless and warm with my body heat, hug them to my trembling heart
Pale fingers, no paler than the moon that hides behind dark clouds.
Sweat and conversations seep into me,
Words entering my blood flow, my veins.
Faces that seem known, unknown
Haunt me throughout the day.
I’ve learnt each curve of my body,
Seen my face in a thousand mirrors.
The void in my eyes never wears off
Just becomes darker like the settling night.
This deafening silence resonates within me
Until screams and sighs become one in my throat;
A bloodbath of murdered love and unspoken words.
I’ll keep my voices to me, talk to them in my head
Because it’s all in my mind
All in my mind.
Copyright ©Devika Todi. All rights reserved.